Fear of Flying? Oh Hell No!

Amidst the excitement and bliss I'm feeling as I wait for tomorrow afternoon to arrive so that I can sign the lease with my boyfriend and get the keys to our apartment, I can't help but feel a little bit of anxiety over cohabitation.

So - I went off to explore the internets to try and find some articles that would give me a little boost of confidence about this whole living-together situation and the results did not make me feel any better. It seemed like everything I read was pro-marriage and said that cohabitating couples were more likely to be unhappy with their relationship, less likely to enter into marriages that last, have poorer communication skills, etc., etc.

Okay. Yeah. Whatever. I've heard this all before, but the fact is: I am not in a place where I can/want to get married right now (my divorce is NOT even final yet) - but why should I be denied the happiness of living with someone that I love and taking my time in making that decision to get married (if ever) again?

I suppose to play the devil's advocate with myself, I should note that yeah - if we ever broke up after living together for an extended period of time, it would hurt like hell - probably just as much as a divorce. But I don't want to think about that, nor do I want to think about marriage either though. I just want a solid relationship with someone and if marriage makes sense and feels right down the road, then so be it.

Am I setting myself up to be yet another statistic of someone who cohabitates and then breaks up before marriage happens or shortly thereafter? I don't know. And I really don't effing care right now. I'm already a divorce statistic and I think I've learned a lot about what I want out of my relationships. It means a lot to me that my boyfriend wants to move in with me and I don't need a bunch of crazy ass right-wingers to tell me that my choice - one that fits where I am with my life right now - is the lesser choice.

Would it be presumptuous of me to create a gift registry for an upcoming housewarming and/or divorce party that I'm planning on throwing when I get my new apartment?

Divorced people need stuff too...:(

I'm over it...

NOT QUITE. But the other day I noticed that Harley Boy's myspace page said that he was now single. This was an interesting development as just 3-4 months ago I was (yeah this is bad) trying to basically steal him away from his girlfriend (who btw is way FUGLY and according to him had the personality of a pin).

At first I had a mini-crisis in my head: "OMG - the man of my freaking dreams is available again and I'm NOT...woe is me." But I decided I needed to knock off that sort of thinking because really, I don't know if he's the man of my dreams (he just seemed like it because I've only known him in the ideal realm of the internet...and a little on the phone). Plus, I gave him his chance. It was like 4 months of him saying he wanted to leave her and wanting to come visit me and me holding my breath about it. But finally when I realized he just couldn't take that risk, I totally had to move on with my life and I have. I have a great boyfriend that I've fallen in love with and basically, Harley Boy missed his chance with me. It kind of makes me a little sad that I'll probably never even get a date with him, but I guess if things just aren't meant to be, then there's nothing you can do to force it.

I suppose in the meantime we'll loosely remain friends. I'm pretty much over him and I also kept having to remind myself that he's only 5'10" and no matter how hot a guy is, even at that height, I might not be interested...I think I have a thing for tall guys. Meh.
       

Can YOU say it?

I've only said it in a romantic way to two people in my life before. But I can count at least four others off the top of my head that I've fallen in love with and never told them so.

The first person I said it to was my ex-husband. We had been dating about two months and we were out overlooking the lake one evening and cuddling up in the cool late-winter air when we both just kind of felt it and said it to each other. It was a butterflies-in-the-stomach, mushy-gushy-I'm-in-love kind of I love you. The second person I said it to was The Fiddler. I was talking to him on the phone one night when apparently I uttered the words, "I'm falling in love with you." He asked me about it the next day and I didn't have the faintest rememberance of saying anything of the sort and I'd never consciously thought about saying it to him before that, but for some reason I couldn't deny it when he confronted me and we fell into saying the three word phrase almost from the get go. Kind of makes me sick thinking about it now.

The other four that I think I was in love with are probably less important to mention. Two were "secret" lovers that I had in the past who I just couldn't say it to. There wasn't enough trust, and I wasn't sure that the feelings were mutual, so I never even tried to say it. The other two were people I was friends with - both similar situations I think - we had a deep, close friendship very quickly, but because of other obligations to other people, it just wouldn't have been right to express that at all.

So now, here I am at the crossroads, agonizing over uttering this little phrase to my boyfriend. I know I'm in love with him and I know he's crazy about me - but is the time right? Okay, okay - so yeah, we're currently looking for a place to rent TOGETHER and we haven't said those words, so obviously this is just something still unspoken between us. Right? It doesn't feel all butterfly-mushy like when I was with my ex-husband and it most certainly isn't a drunken remark since I've been thinking about it for the past several weeks; it's more of a  "I respect this person, I like how they treat me, I like being around them, they make me happy, they turn me on, I want to be with them for a long time to come" kind of I love you.

Does anyone have any good or bad experiences to share from when they've said those three fatal words? I guess I'm just nervous about saying it because once it's out, you can't easily take it back. But at the same time, it's kinda driving me crazy because I want to tell him how much I do love him!

FUCK!!!!!!!

I've just gotten my first bladder infection ever. And I must say...it is THE worst discomfort I have ever had to endure, ever. It's worse than cramps, it's worse than back pain, it's worse than a splitting headache! But at least I have an awesome medical group that gave me a prescription for antibiotics over the phone and recommended that I take Uristat for the pain and discomfort.

But god-fucking-damn-it this hurts. Is this a victory or a strike on my boyfriend if he was able to lay me so good that I got one of these? Oh the irony.

ETA: These meds work great, but my pee is tangerine orange now. Ha.

I've spent the greater part of my Friday afternoon NOT working, but instead deeply engaged in reading the discussion on feministing.com about Open Marriage (and open relationships in general). It got me thinking about my recently-ended open relationship with my ex-boyfriend.

I think what DIDN'T work with my open relationship with him was that we weren't on the same page. He saw me as a permanent, primary partner and that I'd only be giving up my body to others. I, on the other hand, saw it as a time for me to explore and figure out what I wanted while having the security of a stable partner, but without a heavy commitment. I do feel that sometimes he would try to force certain things on me (always suggesting we go to swingers bars and dances - not really for me). I think the fact that I wasn't placing any permanence on the relationship is why the openness of it started to fall apart - I didn't want to tell him about my other sexual encounters, I was embarrassed when I would tell him I was going out on a date, because in actuality, I was looking for someone else, someone better and I knew that that wasn't his expectation of me in the relationship.

A friend of mine who was in an open relationship with his wife confided in me the other day that he had come clean with her about several affairs he had been having behind her back - instead of telling her about the sex, even though they were in the open relationship, he was just hiding it from her because it felt easier and more thrilling. They are working on stabilizing their relationship now though and have decided to eliminate the open-nature of their sexual lives from their marriage for the meantime.

I had a good long discussion with my current boyfriend about open relationships and after a lot of talking (I wanted open, he didn't), we've decided to be exclusive. I guess the thing that nags at me most though is that we have both openly admitted to each other that we've cheated on our significant others in the past and that neither of us have felt guilty on our ends (felt sorry for the other, but not out of line morally). So what happens when/if we come to that point in our relationship where one of us feels like sleeping with someone else. I want a long-lasting relationship with him, but with our streaks for cheating, what exactly is holding us back from having an open relationship where we wouldn't have to lie about it?

What are other people's thoughts on open marriages and open relationships in general? Does anyone have any positive or negative experiences to share on the subject? I think the discussion on the above link has a lot of good points for both sides of the issue and I suppose for me, I'm not really decided on whether an open relationship is right for me or not. I think it is just a continuing dialog that should be discussed.

Can't say I agree with everything in this video, but it does make for a damn good laugh. The Brits are so funny. :)

Some highlights:

• Don't nag him into submission, as there is nothing sexy about a downtrodden man.
• Remember if your boyfriend is hungry, his attention will shift suddenly from you to the fridge. Don't take it personally, it's primal.
• ...he will do male activities like growling, fighting and measuring things, simple pursuits that confuse a complex female mind.
• And the entire scene about "In the bedroom"...just distract him with beer! Ha!
  

I think this is highly appropriate material for this blog.

My almost-ex-husband decided to start calling me last week. At first it was because we needed to discuss bills on our house that we both currently own, but then it turned into a pity party for him about how fucked up his life was and how he wished he could have done things better because the memory of me haunts him everyday. Blah blah blah.

So anyway, this lengthy and somewhat irritating phone conversation spun out of control once he started asking me what I thought about him. I was mad at that point and told him that he's unstable, can't control his anger or emotions, and that he should probably find himself a psychiatrist. It probably didn't help that I told him I fucked my new boyfriend on the couch one day when we stopped by the house and he was out for the evening. Not that I'm so mean that I wanted to rub salt in his wounds, but he was asking for it...he wanted me to hurt him I think because he is just that kind of self-depreciating sonovabitch that hopes people will step on him. Hard to explain how out of touch with reality he can be sometimes, but he really just looks for reasons to be angry and to hate and not trust people.

Well, the next day, he tried calling me again. I refused to pick up. I can't be wasting my bloody time on him. So, the emails started rolling in. All of a sudden he was threatening to smash up furniture in the house and (even worse) tell my parents about how I had had an affair two years ago, which of course, they didn't know about at all. I told him to go right ahead and do his worst (which now I realize I shouldn't have called him on it).

And his worst he did indeed. That evening I was at my mom's house and we were getting ready to go out shopping together. He showed up unexpectedly. And the following ensues:

Mom: *whispering* It's your ex at the door.

Me: What the FUCK?

Me: Let me handle this.

Ex: I'm not here to fight. I just need to return this suitcase your mom let me borrow.

Me: Fine. Whatever. *hides in the kitchen*

Ex: *gives mom the suitcase*

Ex: And btw...before I leave... you have no right to tell me I need professional help.

Me: ...

Ex: And you're a bitch.

Me: Why don't you just leave. No one wants you here.

Ex: *LOTS OF YELLING*

Me: *LOTS OF YELLING BACK*

Ex: Oh and another btw...your mom and dad should know about that affair you had a couple years ago. Yeah that's right, this bitch cheated on me.

Me: *thinking, yeah why didn't you leave me then?*

Me: STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ex: Keeps yelling.

Me: *BITCH SLAPS HIM*

Mom: *jumps in between us*

Ex: Keeps running his mouth.

Me: Why don't you leave!!!!!?!?

Ex: Why don't I call the cops on you?

Me: They're not gonna do shit to me...whatever. I'm leaving.

Me: *leaves*

The maybe not-so-surprising thing about this is that confrontations like this happened pretty often between me and him while we were married because he could never just let things go. It only but puts new nails in the coffin to prove just how RIGHT it is for me to be divorcing him.

So two of the guys I used to date, whom I am still friends with, have both just gone through some pretty rough breakups, and I'm feeling like mega sympathetic for them right now.

Mr. Funny's fiance gets cold feet - This was a friend of mine that I went out with just a few times and didn't do anything more than make out...mostly I think because I saw him as more of a friend than anything. So anyway, he met this chick and got engaged to her after we stopped dating (and quite soon to make that step if you ask me!), but I really thought he had found the one and I was really, really happy for him. I was invited to the wedding and even to the bachelor party! But...apparently the engagement has now been broken off and poor Mr. Funny is alone once again. I mean, breakups are hard enough, but breaking off an engagement...especially when the wedding was less than 2 months away. That's gotta be rough.

Recycled Boyfriend gets dumped via text - We hooked up briefly between the time he wasn't with his ex-girlfriend and when he was just getting back together with her. Unfortunately, their reconciliation didn't last long and she broke up with him via text message...never to be heard from again! I blame it on her youth...the girl is only 19. I told him (he's 25) that he should be aiming for women who are at least 22-years-old. At least at that age, girls have a better idea of what they want out of life. Anyway, since his recent breakup, we've become closer friends...but oh the temptation of sex is still there. I must remember that I'm in a monogamous relationship now though and just fight the feelings...I mean, I've been doing it for the better part of 12 years with him anyway.

Anyway, I guess the thing I wonder is about these break-ups is why do I feel so bad for these guys? I never had any harsh break-ups with either of them, so we did become friends and so I kind of hoped that they were finding happiness with these other girls since I wasn't exactly the one for them.